Friday, 06 March 2009

• The Secret to Feeling Young

  
  This post is inspiring to me.

  It makes me feel young. 

  But to make it work for you, you have to believe it, so I am here to convince you, too, that you are young. 

  Now, those “friends” who are actually young, by conventional definitions, don’t stop reading.  You’ll need this information too someday, if not now (because old is also a state of mind).

  Here’s the secret.  If you’re still living, you are young.  It’s not just a way of thinking, it’s actually true (and also a way of thinking).

  Who's old then, you might ask.  Charlton Heston is (because he’s dead).  But until they pry the laptop from my dead fingers, I am still young. 

  That’s what I said, if you’re dead, you’re old, if you’re old, you’re young, and if you’re young, you will still be young when you are old.  Got it? 

  It’s also important to point out that we shouldn’t confuse being young with being stupid.  For example, I recently told my daughter about something I did when I was nineteen (I can't remember what it was).  She said, “smart dad.” To which I replied, “I was only nineteen, how smart did you expect me to be?,” which may not have been the smartest thing to say to a 12 year old.  See my point?

  Warning:  the longest run-on sentence ever starts now.

  I don’t particularly like to quote Yogi Berra because he was a Yankee and only managed the Mets long enough to blow the World Series by pitching both Tom Seaver and then Jerry Kooseman on three days rest, instead of George Stone, who had a 1 point something ERA down the final stretch and deserved a chance, particularly because they were up 3 games to 2 and if Stone had lost, we would have still had our best pitcher, Seaver, with a full four days rest, and Kooseman for relief, if needed, in the 7th game, but I think Berra was actually worried that Stone would win, and he wanted the final game to be in Seaver’s hands, so we lost instead; can you tell I’m still living in 1973 (I was 9 then, a good year, I think, for any kid, but also happens to be my favorite number), like in that TV show, Life on Mars, which sucks, by the way, but its about a guy from our time who wakes up in 1973, they are going to have to put some Mets references in that show, if they haven’t already (I haven’t seen many), but it would be nice if the guy from the future actually got to talk to Yogi Berra and inspired him to do what I said and changed the outcome of the games, I might like it then, and also if he revealed himself as being from the future, at some point asking Yogi what time it is, to which Yogi could give one of his now famous responses for the first time, “you mean now?”, and also by changing who pitches, he would stop Reggie Jackson from hitting those homers that won the series for the As, negating Jackson from becoming known as “Mr. October” so that he would not later be sought after by Steinbrenner, and the Yankees wouldn't do as well as a result later on either, which is, put simply, bonus.

  Whew.

  But back to the subject, Yogi, does have some good ones, and this one is relevant, “it ain’t over ‘till its over.” 

  You might say, nice idea, for an old person.  Well, let me prove you wrong with a little math, if you’re not too afraid of math. 

  By the way, did you know that there is no technical term for math phobia?  But Gerascophobia is the fear of growing old, and my favorite, Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, is the fear of long words.  I’m great fun at parties. 

  Anyway, come September, I will be 45 years old.  Subtract the years I spent learning the basics, walking, reading, biking, playing with myself, until we get to the age at which I started wondering what I wanted to “be,” which was about 13.  From 13 to 45 is 32 years. According to the latest actuarial tables for male mortality, when I hit 45 I will have exactly 32.78 more years before I die, which gives me until September plus .39 of a year (half of .78) to mess around before the half way mark of the time I will spend on what I make of my life (roughly Jan 20th of 2010).

  Guess my birthday.

  So, in other words, I can start over and I would have just as much time to pursue my new vocation, as I’ve already spent discovering and pursuing my current one.

  And you said I wasn’t young,   

  So, I’m starting a new career, you?

  I’m going to be a writer, you?

  Granted, I just can’t quit being an accountant, cause I have a mortgage, and accountants can’t ignore that (as hard as we try to).  It’s not in our nature. 

  But I’ve got time, so I can take it slowly. 

  Which is what I’m doing here. 

  This is the best I can do so far.

  But come back and you'll see what I'm saying.
   

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